Please welcome Amber @ YA Indulgences to the blog today! You might recall seeing Amber around during #ShatteringStigmas, as she’s one of our co-hosts! But I am so glad that she chose to share this post with us- it’s so incredibly honest, and I think it’s really a great example of how your situation is not as hopeless as it seems- it feels like there’s no way out, but if you seek help and stick with it, you really can start to see the light. I cannot thank Amber enough for her bravery in sharing this!
Three years ago, I wrote a post for Shattering Stigmas on this very blog. It was an anonymous post because of the very stigma we’re trying to shatter as co-hosts and bloggers and readers.
My post this year is not anonymous now. I am right here. You might not be surprised, if you’ve seen my Twitter, you know I’m quite open, too open about my emotions. I am going to talk a little about that. Brevity is key here, my last post was extremely long. Try not to be surprised if this is just as long.
How it started:
Three years ago, my world felt like it was crashing and two years ago, it actually did. Was it the worst thing that has happened to me in two years?
No. Not by far.
Well, maybe it was.
Either way, it ended my world as I knew it. The timeline was broken in two. With it though also went absolutely any fucks I gave about completely losing it on Twitter.
The internet has always been my safe place of sorts. What do you do when the place you treasured becomes too much though? If you’re me, you lose your shit – publicly.
It’s a very long story, so here is the short version:
Three years ago, I made mistakes.
Two years ago, I couldn’t cope with those mistakes and made an even bigger Mistake.
I didn’t know what to do with myself. What do you do when your world has totally blown up nuclearly? If I thought I was doing badly then, I had no idea what was in store. No idea at all.
I have always been a somewhat open book to those I’m close to. When I no longer have that option though, I get intense to put it mildly. Mostly suicidal ideation along with dark thoughts. My main mental cocktail.
I always kept my ‘crazy’ on lockdown. Concealed, hidden, reserved for those I felt wouldn’t judge me – too harshly.
Three years ago, you never would have seen the things you may seen now. It’s exactly why my last post was anonymous. I always kept my ‘crazy’ on lockdown. Concealed, hidden, reserved for those I felt wouldn’t judge me – too harshly.
The last thing I needed was for Twitter to see all my messiness at full force with absolutely no warning. I saved my darkest thoughts for friends, for Tumblr, for other spaces of the internet. Not Twitter – not with so many bookish people around, authors, bloggers, publicists, etc. The list is endless.
The difference a year makes is astounding. In a year, private meltdowns became public meltdowns. Very public. The flood gate on Twitter opened. There was no need to censor myself. What did I care anymore?
Anyway, if you haven’t seen one of my many breakdowns, consider yourself lucky, there have been numerous.
I was broken and so, so lost. I’d be lying if I said I still wasn’t. I hated myself. I wanted to die or at least not exist. More than I ever did before. I was desperate for anyone to see – to care. The irony of it all is that even if anyone did care, I wouldn’t believe it anyway. I went to a very dark place. How could I not when everything I thought I knew ended up not being true? It felt so real though, it seemed true.
After the Mistake, My grandma died, my dad lost his job, I became my family’s sole income for a while, we were without electricity for about two months in summer, etc. It was a very bad year.
Through almost every public breakdown, rant and general emo-ness, there were people on Twitter encouraging me to stay, to call hotlines, to get help, to reach out to them.
They follow you on Twitter, what else are they supposed to say? They find it annoying. – My mind
I brushed it off until I didn’t. I made friends. Eventually this year, I did start seeing a therapist, it’s not quite a regular thing – costs are high. But I’ve started the process. I probably never would have without people on Twitter urging me to and without the financial access I had to do it.
So, to those who vent and breakdown on Twitter as you go through the Darkness and think no one sees, I see. I care. I’m there with you.
You probably want to know where I am with the Mistake. I have to admit that I still cope poorly. I still play it all over in my head all the time. I try to think of what I could have done differently. I still make dark threads that I delete later. I talk it out a lot.
It’s still a struggle all the time. I’m here though. I’m not anonymous. I’m going to end this with a quote from Veronica Mars:
Tragedy blows through your life like a tornado, uprooting everything. Creating chaos. You wait for the dust to settle and then you choose. You can live in the wreckage and pretend it’s still the mansion you remember. Or you can crawl from the rubble and slowly rebuild.