I… am at a loss for words. I didn’t know how to start this post even, so I turned to my lovely friends for procrastination purposes. And I told them about my troubles. It went like this:
SHANNON: I am trying to put together a book-to-movie review about Allegiant and I… I don’t even know.
VALERIE: Just say it sucked.
SHANNON: Oh but Val, it so much MORE than sucked. It sullies the good name of Sucked.
So there you have it. I’m not even sure that I read the same book as the people who wrote the movie. And I am fairly certain that the people who put this together were several teenaged boys who really enjoy special effects and wasting millions of dollars. I don’t know where to begin. The good and bad? Sure!
Sidenote: I have no actual idea if this contains spoilers (probably a little?) because none of it is the same, so I don’t know what to tell you, proceed with caution, and the knowledge that I have no idea what just happened.
The Stuff I Liked:
Because who doesn’t like to start with those, amirite? Great.
- I had no idea that Bill Skarsgård was in this movie. You remember how I used him in my dream cast thing the other day, because I find him pretty? Yes. Well, I still do. And I liked him in this movie as Matthew.
- Miles Teller was hilarious and necessary. He can be in any movie ever, okay? I have decided.
- Johanna was BAD. ASS. And I loved it. I loved her in the books, and I love her in the movies, and I love Octavia Spencer in general, so more of her please.
- And to be completely honest, if I hadn’t known anything about the book or characters or world, it might not have been bad. I mean, it was never going to win an Oscar, but it was entertaining.
What… Even…. Was That?
So it starts off in Chicago, in some crappy hellhole where the people are having a big old
screaming match meeting. And I didn’t even get to the five minute mark without a dose of What is going on here? and Who the hell is this guy?
No seriously, who is this guy? Don’t worry, he’s like a damn cat with nine lives, he’ll be back around.
Then they’re going to have to get to the other side of the wall, and I think “ah, okay, here’s some junk I know about!”
And they cross the other side and land on Mars! (It looks like actual Mars, I assume.) But… how are only some spots apocalyptic wastelands and like, 4 feet away are normal places? That doesn’t make any sense!
They seem to agree, no?
Then it just gets flat out ridiculous. It starts raining red, which- Catching Fire called and it wants its Blood Rain Zone back. What even!? I swear if I see one Jabberjay…
Christina understands where I am coming from, clearly.
So without getting too spoilery, I shall list a few ridiculous things along the way:
- People walking away from fiery motor vehicle and plane crashes with minor lacerations and/or an on-again off-again limp.
- Some kind of invisible, locked wall that makes no actual sense to me and was never, ever explained.
- Some place called “Providence”. Seriously, that isn’t a “thing”, right? I am not just blanking on entire sections of this book? Who even knows anymore.
- Small discs that help you catch bad guys. But.. how does it know who the bad guys are? Why is this whole place a wasteland if they have this kind of technology? Nothing makes sense in my life anymore.
- Whatever the actual fuck these bubble-things are:
- This is David, and my creepometer is through the freaking roof.
- A pajama party at the airport! This picture doesn’t even really do it justice, they looked like legit pajamas in the movie.
- And Four gets to remove his jammies ASAP because I think Theo James has a clause in his contract about time spent wearing tight black t-shirts or something… he’s like the Simon Cowell for a new generation.
- None of the plot of the actual book. I mean, this is as non-spoilery as I can get, so… yeah, that’s all I’ve got. If it was a pivotal moment in one… it’s probably not showing up in the other. But hey- maybe movie ending will be better, albeit far more ridiculous? A girl can dream….
The Verdict: Look, this was a mess, but I’ll be damned if it wasn’t better than Insurgent! Yeah, it’s unbelievable and weird and stuff, but at least it isn’t mind-numbingly boring. And Tris and Four are actually more likeable than book-Allegiant Tris and Four (I hated those guys).
Have you read the book or seen the movie? Are you a fan of either? Afraid of either? (I understand. I do.)