Welcome back, ten months later! In that ten months, Holly and I failed to even crack open a single one of the books, so there’s that. Now, if you recall, unlike in book reviews, we do not mind spoiling the hell out of the show, so turn back now if you don’t want to know any of the things! This has been your warning!
You’ll notice that Holly and I are all ready for the season. So is Alexander Hamilton over there. You’ll notice that this is not Amber. We don’t know what Amber looks like. But in 3 months, we either will have photographic evidence of her existence, or the best Catfish story since… well, the last Catfish story, but still. And Val, I took that picture from Twitter, pretend it isn’t creepy. I didn’t have any that would make a good square, okay?
OH and while it may be obvious that I don’t like, hang around taking still photos from the show’s set, these pictures aren’t mine, of course. They’re from, you know, the show.
Now, let’s do this!
Storyline #1: The Murphy/Jaha/Alie/City of Lights Nonsense
In the land of The 100, only 86 days has passed. How do we know this? With help from Murphy! See, Murphy hasn’t been relaxing in the lap of luxury, keeping a little detailed planner or something, no, he has been trapped in the same damn bunker we saw him in at the end of last season. Remember that? He seemed chipper, no?
Welp, not so chipper after 86 freaking days in a bunker, nearly out of food and water, watching the same tape of the last dude in the bunker killing himself. I can imagine that no one is going to be in a great mindframe at that juncture.
This is his “farewell” video, as he contemplates recreating that last guy’s suicide. I mean, he’s out of food, and since he has been isolated in who even knows where for three months, he’s clearly out of hope. And it has to be said that Richard Harmon plays crazy so freaking well. Seriously, dude plays Murphy like… dayum. Anyway, he gets out of the bunker, so of course he ends up at AI Mansion. Because there is basically nothing else around, and he is about to die of dehydration. And now, all our BFFs are in one room!
We had some thoughts, of course!
And then literally no one cared about them anymore as they sailed away in a boat to what I still assume is Las Vegas.
Storyline #2: Arkadia
That’s exactly how we started hanging out in Arkadia. Which has been renamed because no one wants to think about Jaha every morning when they wake up. Everyone is trying to put their lives back together. Or you know, not, in the case of some of them. But Bellamy and Lincoln are trying to move on, shirtlessly, as you do.
All the background cast is either drooling, jealous, or both.
Let’s check in on our ragtag bunch of space misfits, shall we?
Bellamy: Has a girlfriend. Bellarke fans, grab your pitchforks! Look, I don’t even care at this point, because clearly if he and Clarke were to be together now, they wouldn’t be able to be endgame. So whatever. I just wish I knew who she was? Because I seriously do not. Otherwise, Bellamy has gone from Mr. Badass to Mr. Mom. I assume he’s still badass though when he doesn’t have to direct a bunch of assholes on how to not be assholes.
Raven: Since Wick is gone to a different TV show this season, Raven has a case of the sads. On the show she “pushed him away”, but it’s hard to be in a relationship when one of you is in a post-nuclear wasteland and one of you is on Two Broke Girls, things have a tendency to break down
Linctavia: I’m just going to go ahead and group them together for this one. They don’t do much except bicker like an old married couple. Lincoln wants to set down some roots and put up a white picket fence, and Octavia hasn’t sewn all her oats in the sword fighting arena yet soooo. Conflict.
Monty: Pretty sure there’s a set up with him and that dude I can’t remember whose dad is also there, but can’t locate his boyfriend. Because the boyfriend is probably dead. Monty to the rescue!
Abby: Whines a lot.
Jasper: Speaking of people being assholes…. Jasper tried to get himself killed by the Ice Nation. Don’t ask me who the hell the Ice Nation is, because I haven’t the foggiest. But seriously, he’s lost his damn mind. Exhibit A:
That dude is creepy as fuck, and I wouldn’t let him near me with cookies let alone a goddamn knife.
So, you may be wondering about this iPod business. There’s an iPod with an intact battery apparently. We questioned this for quite some time. Also, how’d they get a car to work? Look, no one knows. I am going to go ahead and assume they got it all from Mount Weather, but literally no one cares because it made for the best scene in like, the history of the show. Guys- they were having fun. For like, five whole minutes! You ask for proof, my non-believers?
Storyline #3: Wanheda
Surprise! Kidding, no one is surprised.
Clarke is in hiding. There are four things you need to know:
1. She kills a panther named Fluffy, who bites her because like, of course.
2. She gets some action.
3. People want to kill her, and call her “Wanheda” which means… whatever the hell it means.
4. Number two ending leads to number three finding her.
See, should have continued doing this instead of being captured by scary dudes. Not even a close call.
So, that brings us to the end of this, the FIRST part of “Wanheda”. Tonight Part 2 will premiere, and I am too tired to even begin to figure out what is going to happen next. I am usually wrong anyway- except that time I guessed that Mount Weather was in Virginia. But that’s just using common sense.
Also, going to skip awards this time because there wasn’t really enough of people doing stuff to single anyone out, plus I am sick of having to give Jaha and Jasper the Jaha Award every week. So, a single award: